Should I Stay or Should I Go? Navigating Marital Ambivalence Without Legal Fault in Virginia

In the world of family law, we often think in terms of clear facts and legal standards: cruelty, adultery, abandonment — the fault-based grounds that can justify a divorce under Virginia law. But many people contemplating divorce find themselves in murkier waters. There is no infidelity. No overt abuse. Just a lingering unhappiness, emotional disconnection, or unmet expectations. The legal system may not offer an immediate answer — and, importantly, neither should your divorce lawyer.  I touched on this topic several years ago in my post about spouses changing over time.

Yet the emotional and psychological dilemma is real. Should you stay in your marriage and continue working on it, or is it time to go? While lawyers can explain your rights and options, the emotional weight of this question often belongs in a therapist’s office. Two well-known voices in relational therapy — Terry Real and Esther Perel — offer contrasting perspectives that can help people understand what they’re facing internally before they make any legal moves.

This post explores their ideas, contrasts their approaches, and discusses how these insights intersect with, but remain distinct from, the legal framework governing divorce in Virginia.

Terry Real: “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” — A Framework for Change

Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy, authored a widely circulated paper titled “Should I Stay or Should I Go”. Real offers a structured framework for individuals grappling with whether to end a marriage that isn’t technically “broken” by legal standards, but still feels deeply unsatisfying.

Real proposes three distinct types of marriages:

• The ‘Fully Alive’ Marriage – Healthy, nurturing, mutually growth-oriented partnerships.
• The ‘Good Enough’ Marriage – Imperfect but functional marriages where partners are open to growth and willing to engage.
• The ‘Dead’ Marriage – Emotionally barren or toxic relationships where one or both partners have checked out and are unwilling to change.

The crux of Real’s approach lies in whether a partner is “willing to try” — not whether they are currently equipped with the tools to change, but whether they are genuinely open to working toward change. For Real, ambivalence is not resolved through emotional certainty, but through effort and confrontation. He encourages individuals to ask: “Am I ready to leave the marriage as it is, or am I willing to risk everything to transform it?”

Real is careful not to romanticize staying. He calls out toxic dynamics and urges individuals not to linger in destructive relationships. But he also pushes back against the modern ideal that love should always feel fulfilling. Marriage, in his view, is as much about accountability, courage, and growth as it is about satisfaction.

Esther Perel: Ambivalence, Desire, and Modern Love

Esther Perel, a psychotherapist known for her groundbreaking work on relationships and erotic intelligence, approaches the question of staying or leaving from a different angle. While Real focuses on relational repair through accountability and effort, Perel investigates how modern expectations around intimacy, identity, and freedom influence how we experience marriage.

In her writings and talks — including “The State of Affairs” and “Mating in Captivity” — Perel acknowledges that many people leave marriages not because they are miserable, but because they believe they could be happier. She argues that our cultural view of marriage has shifted dramatically: we now look to our spouses for emotional fulfillment, sexual connection, intellectual stimulation, and personal growth — a tall order for any one person.

Perel views ambivalence not as a problem to be solved, but as a natural part of long-term commitment. She explores how desire often wanes not because of lack of love, but because of over-familiarity, resentment, or lack of novelty. In her view, people often leave marriages hoping to escape themselves, only to confront the same emotional patterns in future relationships.

Unlike Real’s framework, which is more binary and directive, Perel’s lens is existential and exploratory. She encourages couples to examine their inner lives before acting on dissatisfaction — not to delay change, but to understand its true drivers.

Comparing the Two: Change vs. Curiosity

While Real and Perel both aim to help individuals gain clarity, they offer very different routes:

For individuals considering separation in a Virginia marriage, this distinction matters. Real might ask whether you or your partner are willing to engage and change. Perel might ask whether you’ve examined your personal expectations and emotional patterns. Both can be useful — but in different ways, depending on the emotional texture of your marriage.

What This Means for Virginians Without Fault-Based Grounds

In Virginia, the decision to separate or divorce is not always neatly aligned with legal “fault.” While the Commonwealth recognizes fault-based divorce on grounds such as adultery, cruelty, desertion, or felony conviction (see our full explanation of one common fault ground (adultery) here), many clients come in with no such clear event — only years of emotional drift or unmet needs.

Under Virginia law, a person can still file for no-fault divorce, but only after a separation period — typically one year, or six months if there are no children and the parties have a separation agreement.

This means that many clients must decide to begin living separate and apart before they are sure they want to divorce. This period of separation often becomes a time of profound reflection, one where Real’s or Perel’s frameworks may be especially helpful.

It’s also worth noting that Virginia law does not require a spouse to prove “emotional dissatisfaction” or “lack of intimacy” in order to seek a divorce — but these realities can still impact decisions about support, parenting, or settlement negotiations.

A Lawyer’s Role: Legal Guidance, Not Life Decisions

At Curran Moher Weis, we understand that the decision to divorce — or not — is deeply personal and often agonizing. Our job is not to tell you whether to stay in your marriage. That’s a question best addressed with a skilled therapist, relationship coach, or spiritual advisor.

Our role is to help you understand the legal implications of either path:

• What happens if you separate but later reconcile?
• What rights and obligations arise during separation?
• How does the absence of fault impact spousal support or custody?
• Can a no-fault divorce still consider emotional harm or patterns of neglect?

These are the questions we can help you answer — once you’ve decided what you want.

Final Thoughts: No One-Size-Fits-All Answer

Terry Real urges individuals to rise to the challenge of relational transformation. Esther Perel invites them to explore the deeper emotional landscapes of desire, intimacy, and loss. Both perspectives offer insight, but neither provides a guaranteed roadmap.

If you’re wondering whether to stay or go — and the law doesn’t give you a clear reason to leave — you’re not alone. Many couples today are asking more nuanced questions about marriage than ever before. Your decision is not just legal; it’s emotional, psychological, and often spiritual.

When you’re ready to understand what your options look like from a legal perspective, we’re here to help. But only you can decide whether your marriage is alive, good enough — or over.